So 17little days left until u suppos to come. Its crazy. This pregnancy just ran through the door leavin alot of us just a lil shocked over everything, especially over the fact it ran out the door. i feel like I havent done nothing else but planning as much as I can but feels like I havent planned nottin at all. Everything feels last minute and seriously I have NO clue how things will turn out, but maybe for once its best that way. Just to let life guide us for a change. It might go well u know, just me havin a hard time lettin loose over the control. But as I said...17days. One hand says u comin well over due but then last couples of days sayin u dont wanna wait. Just have this feeling that u might be on your way. No pain, no notting really to get me to think that way but just have this feeling. Another week maybe but who knows? u might stick in there until the end om week 42! well c I guess.

Havent heard notting else from this little princess daddy. I guess he left the country for a bit and seriously I have no clue when he is comin back. He dont seem to care anyhow. His mom though have contacted me and lettin me know that regardless what he will do she is lookin forward to becoming a grandmother and that she wanna be there always n forever. That makes me really happy! She seem like a very nice person.
She live far from where I live but we will make that part work. Im just happy she wanna be a grandmother to her =)

Bells dad avtin real good now! Its crazy. He still got a long way to go until he acts or even think in the way I need him to too trust him but he for now at least is workin in the right direction. That is also something that makes me happy.
Something BULL with that is ...that my feelings for that guy I met n fell inlove with wont let go...feels like he died so I never fell out of love. But then he is standing infront of me...playin with Bell...and he is not that man no more...but somehow I havent given up hope....but it wouldnt even matter cuz I can never take him back! I cant!...but a part of me want to so baaad. Its hard. Feelings....´damn, stupid feelings!

But life in general is pretty good right now. Got the new Phil & Ted stroller, made the babys crib, washed n folded all the clothes...havin fun with Bell....everything is ready for my little star to come.

17days....not far away but damn, not close enough!

So I knew it couldnt be all good for too long. I guess thats just how life works.
Go figure, I talked to A and im kinda pissed. C, its been really hard to get a hold of him on the phone lately so we always texted. And now he seemed like he was pullin away, didnt talk to me for days or a week, not answering my questions. So i tried to get him on the phone and it finally worked. He started out sayin he hasnt forgiven me....
I were like : excuse me? forgiven me?...I were seiously chocked!
Then he goes; yeah for keepin the baby. changin my life.
He continues with that he is feelin blue n its becouse she is comin. He dont really wanna be there for the birth n he dont really wanna give a damn about anything. Buhu.
So, i try to tell him that we were two in that bed...and he wasnt there when i tried to do an abortion...he was gone from this earth then....so I took the decition that I felt I could live with. I couldnt kill her....I looked at my 2year old daughter and saw all this baby could be. I couldnt....not when it was only me livin with it. And i never foreced him to be there or anything...I only gave him the option to c his daughter bein born, be with her, be a part of all of this but the choice is up to him. He called me sayin he was sorry! not the other way around! So now im thinkin...what was he sorry for? what am i suppos to forgive him for? he dont want her still...
So, I dont want him at the delivery no more. It would only make things hard n uncomfortable for me....I mean its not easy givin birth n havin him there would just make things alot worse. He can come n c her later whenever he want to...when he grownup some.
I cant belive he is puttin all this on me! I told him to strap up n he didnt so we both knew the chance of a child! And to look at abortion as if it is like puttin on a rubber is not really fare. He never have to live with the fact u had life in u n took it away. And me, I have a child....its really hard takin another away...especially when I lost one just before with Bell´s father.
man, he pissed me off. I wanted to curse him out...tell him how stupid he is...but didnt. I just tried t be fare but still very clear. I didnt wanna make things worse. He can be the kid...im all grownup - even though I wanted to act a fool and spill awful words over him.

Baby kickin me all the time....like she is tellin me:
-Im here mommy! Im with u all the way and soon we will be together, you me n Bell. Our trio, our family.
I love her already u know. I know u do...but I really love her. I guess A is missin out on alot, hope he change one day so that both her n him can get as much out of the relationship but at the moment - He can stay where he at. I dont want him around. He make me feel bad, week, foolish. But im not! Im a good, strong n free woman and a great mom! No one will never take that away from me. My girls are my life!

Where to start? Okey I know, with OH MY GOD!!!!!!
After everything that happen this last 2years...after every tear, every fight, every sad day its finally time for sunshine. Today L signed over full custody to me!  He called a few days ago and said he thinks its for he best that I have it cuz she is living with me n all. He still wanna be able to see her wich im only happy for cuz I do want Bell to know her father. So trial on wednesday is off...every paper signed today. Also papers regarding how he will see her are signed and just how I want it.Things are great! He seemed to have changed his hole attitude and everything is alot easier now. i just hope it continues.
Then I went to the BM office for a rutin check n all were great with this little girl. She is lyin with her head down wich she has for a while now i can say....dont come early now Boo!
Then I talked to A n he will be comin here in the middle of april n stay for aslong as he can...maybe until summer? with small "breaks".
On top of all this great things happening today it been sunny like damn n I could walk around with my jacket unbutten feelin free n happy like I havent felt for long. OMG I forgot how good it feels to feel Gooood! Love it! Please sunshine, stick around, stick around!

Ill lay my head down on my white pillow to fall asleep with this smile of mine and hope tomorro will be as great as today...smilin in the sun.

2010 - Im ready for ya!

Hello u!

Lets dive right into it.
A is really doin great on his words. Today I got a mms from him with a picture of a tiny lil body with flours on with the text above it sayin: My first bought item!
I cant belive it....he has actully wonderd in the store lookin at babyclothes thinkin about what size etc , took it from the shelf n payed for it...and all along thinkin Im buyin this for my daughter. I guess he is really comin around =) I couldnt be more happier. This lil girl might have her father after all.

We still have alot to go thrue and to talk about but I hope he will come here to the city around easter, then we would have about 6weeks before baby is due to sort things out, talk n what not. I guess its harder now when he dont live around here too...cant feel the tummy, cant go with me to the hospital for checks, cant really relate more then in words. I bet when he feel her kicks he will be exited just like me....who knows where this story will end. But today after that mms, at least I got hope of a brighter future.


In a few days its trial time for the custody for Bell. L has said several times he is sorry for everything n all is his fault...but we c what he will say in court n what he will be ready to go along with. Im a lil scared about it but hopefully it will be alright. But I guess next week will be a very emotional week.


This saturday my lovely neighbour n friend is throwin me a babyshower. Its so nice of her! And me im throwin my sister inlaw a babyshower so we thought we would comine them too. C we only 3weeks apart n live 5min from eachother so it seemed fine. Plannin n fixin. Tomorro ill actully take my butt in to town...NOT lookin forward to it. Hate bein in town with Bell n all ppl gettin on my toes n nerves. But have to be done. =( We need ballooooons!
No one to keep me company either...buhu lol

Anyhow, ima fall asleep now...still a lil high on that mms n the thoughts of the future. Not everyday i can fall asleep happy so Go for it right!?!

Bless yall

Hello again!

Its time for another update I guess. So much is happening right now that my mind are spinning in ways it not suppos to be able to.
So, lets c, where to start.
I got a text from A sayin he is sorry for all n that he wanna take a part in this little girls life. Well thats good I thought but didnt really relay on his words I guess. But we actully talked twice now and he do sound serious about it, even wanna be there when she is born n all. I know that I wont celebrate before I c that is all true but I guess this is better then nottin. One step at a time right?!

Then I got a call from L. Like seriously! im shocked! Well first i got some text in the week askin if we gonna come for the visit hours that familycourt set up for us but I had to let him know that the times he had wasnt the right once so if he wanted to know the real hours then he could just call them. That made me kinda pissed or not pissed but irritated....I mean , its not that hard to find out the times if u wanna c ur kid...just one phonecall! But hey, as I said before he is not a mna...only a boy.
Anyhow, then i had my 26th b-day this last sunday n guess who called?! Yes...he did! I were at my sis house so told hom I couldnt talk n if he wanted to talk he could call me later but he did say two things. 1.happy b-day. 2. Im sorry for everything, i know its my fault! im sorry.
I just said....well ok. Call me later if u wanna talk.
In my mind he is just tryin to butter me up right now before the trial...its in 1½week. Just want it over n done with.

Dont really know what to think about either one of em BUT I just let them lead n show what they want n are ready to do....me Im just protecting my kids from danger, heartache n sorrow. Thats what a parents suppos to do aint it?!

Besides from all this boy trouble...my house is lookin better then ever I guess, my body is hurting like Shit, photoshoots booked for the next 5weeks, babyshower plans for next weekend , Bell turnin 2 and almost all of her friends too....stress stress stress and a little girl kickin my insides like she were mad at me lol. Life?

So, Hi again! Long time no c!
Well as always my life is a rollercoster BUT this time around Im okey with it. Okey, let me rewind some. So Bell´s dad and I split up. I guess I didnt wanna work things out no more when he brought drugs into our home, selling them, using them, cheatin on me, dissrespectin me and actin like a damn fool. I guess I decided I were worth more and that both me n Bell didnt have to take that. He were hardly ever home seein her at that time, thinkin playin with her 10min everyday would be enough...not even bein able to keep a job cuz to lazy to go up in the morning...naw...We had to end it. It was KAOS! Naw, Kaos is a nice word for it. C, Bell´s dad - L- is a little boy thinkin he is a man and with that comes he never wanna "loose". With that said, a trial started and soon, in a few days actully, we will have the answer if I will get full custody. At the moment Bell lives only with me and only see him 4hours every other week at this supervised place the social helped us with. He forgot last time...he forgot to come n c his daughter cuz he was buzy tryin to get his new 18year old girlfriend to have sex with him lmao. Naw, but he were sleepin when I called...askin me what day it was etc. Stupid.
Anyhow, We doin just fine without him. He hardly c her, he dont give me no money to her, dont do shit. He didnt even send her a gift for christmas. But he thought it was a good idea to go to Gambia for 3weeks in the middle of the hole legal procedur..but as I said, Stupid.
So, backin up some again, this summer I spent most of my time in Malmö. I met this guy -A- who I kinda knew from before. Well his sister went to my class n he went in my school. We didnt talk but we did say hi if we passed eachother. Anyhow, we strated datin...I started to feel he could be someone I could date for real...we started talkin if we would start a relationship....but then I got pregnant. Yes, I did. And first I decided to do an abortion cuz of the fact that A didnt want this and second, I just lost a baby with L...a misscarrige so were kinda upset n sad still....third, all happen so quick. But then I just couldnt. I saw this little life and I knew this was alright. this baby were ment to be in my life. So in may I will have my little girl. Bell will become a bigsister =)
Bein a single parent to two girls with diffrent idiots to fathers aint really been my dream life, but now it is so. I love my girls and there is nottin anyone can say to tear that love down! I will give them a life where they will be proud over me n themself. And one day a man that loves me n them will be apart of our life n they will have a fatherfigur and they will know....its not always about blood, its about heart n actions.

So there it is, My confession part 1.