Min Sambo och jag ska separera... What the fuck is a gal suppose to do?!

Forum Känsliga rummet Skilsmässa/Separation

Applejacks

Äldre 7 Oct 12:03
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Min Sambo och jag ska separera... What the fuck is a gal suppose to do?!

Hi everyone...

I guess this question/rant pretty much has to do with the . After 14-15 years of being together in a sambo relationship (which eventually lead to having a child together -- now 3 1/2), I've decided to separate from my sambo. Please forgive me if I'm writing in English... It's just that right now, I'm an emotional wreck and in order for me to me to just vent and reach a sense of peace in the decision I am making, it only deemed easier for me to write this way. Please feel free to respond in English and or Swedish as it not a problem for me to understand. I don't know where to turn to at this point as I don't feel comfortable talking to my girlfriends (a majority of them are either single, happily married with kids...or just happily married).

But these past couple of years I have noticed a decline in our relationship. We can't communicate with each other anymore and it feels more or less like we are roommates than two individuals loving each other in a family. All of our immediate friends, families are noticing a shift in our relationship and are worried about us. It has become a volatile environment for our son as my sambo can be really aggressive and condescending. I've asked him several times during our disputes if he can either lower his voice or refrain from making demeaning remarks towards me in the presence of our child but he just doesn't care. Anything from that "I'm a Bitch, slut, waste of space"... to the heart cutting "Your son is going to grow up being embarrassed of you"... or "It wouldn't make a difference if you were here or not...". He has even thrown things as well.

We fight about anything and everything now. From how he doesn't like the way I fold up his shirts, to how I season the food for dinner (he will sometimes refuse to eat it...and when we have guest like his mother or friends over --and she/they think its delicious-- he'll act the same way around them), to me not having sex with him ( I explained to him that after we had our son, my sexual needs have decreased. I've shown him, explained to him that it takes a bit longer for me to get aroused but he doesn't care. He just whips it out and expects me to jump on it...and even has said to the degree: "Everyone does things that they don't like. It's like watching a show that a friend really enjoys but you don't...but you do it anyway to make them happy."), to money, just about everything. He has become more withdrawn and stressed out from work...and shown signs of depression. But he refuses to get help for that or his anger.

What makes matters worse, is that our three year old is going around apologising to both me and my sambo during our arguments and taking on the blame for us being angry at each other.... This wasn't what I wanted for my son...or for my sambo. We both came from broken families, so we are both pretty aware how these situations can turn.

He has been away for the past week and a half to go on recreational trips with employers/co-workers, and another with friends... and it has been a complete 180 since he has been gone. There's harmony in the home here with my son, I'm not walking on eggshells not to piss off my sambo. I've been reflecting over the situation in its entirety... And I'm starting to feel that it is perhaps best for ourselves and for our son to end our relationship and remain civil for our child. I still love him, as he has been there for me for most of my adult life. I left everything and moved here when I was 19 to been with him (a case of young lovers) and we have been together (had a 1-2 year break) ever since.

Problem arise during separations as per usual... And I'm trying to determine what to do what is best for us, and what options there are out there for me.

- Sambo is the main breadwinner, making around 28-30000.
- I am working half-time (to manage the household and the care of our son)

- We own two apartments (one 2 1/2 room apartment 56sqm. The other 89 sqm 3 rooms)--. We recently purchased the larger one in august of this year so that we upgrade to something bigger and has a room for my son. My sambo convinced me to sign on a contract that he owns 80% me 20%, which I thought at the time was right as he is making more money than I am at the moment. He promised that as soon as I started working more that it would be adjusted to 50%. The other apartment we purchased together, we are currently renting out in Andra hand- to a couple until the end of Dec. At the moment, I am trying to determine the division of both properties, wondering if it would be possible to take over the flat that we live in now, and my sambo moves back to the other apartment in Dec (as he expresses how much he "loved" and "misses"). My only issue is that if I were to take over ownership of this apartment, would it be possible to apply for financial assistance (until I am able to increase my hours at work or find another job in order to be completely self-sufficient. There is a strong possibility of me being promoted in Jan/Feb of next year as the company that I am working for is expanding)? I would be able to roughly manage the loan/bills etc for the housing but it doesn't leave that much left over other essential items such as food, etc.

-Dividing property, etc?. Who is to have what. Who has the right to have what?

- What custody agreements have you all had with your ex's and have you experienced any problems with that?

- How are you able to maintain a peaceful relationship with your ex's during and after the separation?

There's probably a plethora of different questions that I have... But these are the ones that I am juggling in my head right now.
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Svar på tråden Min Sambo och jag ska separera... What the fuck is a gal suppose to do?!
Kjell2

Äldre 7 Oct 12:30
#1

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Antar att ni bor i Sverige och att svensk lag gäller,

Vårdnad och umgänge för ert gemensamma barn. Så länge ni är överrrens brukar vilken uppdelningen ni än väljer funka bra.

Bodelning: Bor ni tillsammans i er nyköpta bostad? I så fall ska värdet av den delas 50/50 i bodelning. I den förra bostaden är det ägarförhållandet som gäller.

Din framtida förörjning: Räkna inte med något understöd från honom. I framtiden är du ansvarig för din egen försörjning. Kommer du ha barnet mera än han blir det ett visst underhåll för det. Räkna på hur din ekonomi kommer se ut och bestämm sen hur du vill göra med era befintliga bostäder.
Applejacks

Äldre 7 Oct 13:21
#2

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Thanks Kjell...

Yes, we are currently living together in the new apartment. But when the contracts in terms of ownership, etc were signed before moving in, I had agreed to the 20% ownership (whilst he maintain the 80%) that he suggested. Would I still be entitled to an additional 30% even though the contract maintains that I own 20%?
snedtak

Äldre 7 Oct 13:30
#3

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Applejacks skrev 2018-10-07 13:21:43 följande:
Thanks Kjell...

Yes, we are currently living together in the new apartment. But when the contracts in terms of ownership, etc were signed before moving in, I had agreed to the 20% ownership (whilst he maintain the 80%) that he suggested. Would I still be entitled to an additional 30% even though the contract maintains that I own 20%?
Köper ni ett boende för gemensamt bruk som sambos spelar egentligen ägandet ingen roll, utan det är sambolagen som reglerar hur boendet delas vid bodelning, dvs. bostad och bohag ska delas 50/50.
Har ni avtalat bort sambolagen med ett samboavtal är det däremot ägandeförhållandet som gäller. Så frågan är om ni har ett samboavtal?

Behöver du ta lån på bostaden för att kunna bo kvar och hur ser dina möjligheter ut för att få lån beviljat?
Applejacks

Äldre 9 Oct 07:20
#4

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Yes,

Both apartments including the one we are currently living in now was purchased with the impression that we would be living together as a family. We currently do not have any contracts written up (samboavtalet) so I can only assume that everything should be split 50/50.

It's becoming more volatile here now and he's going against what he has said in the past if we were to split up. In other words, its starting to get dirty. It's gone from, "don't worry we'll divide things equally and make sure that it works out for the best of us and our son..." to " you need to start looking for a new apartment because I'm this close to kicking you out.and I don't care where you land". He even went so far to say that he would "rent" out our first apartment together to me?! Is that even legal according to Sambolaget?

Why would I be putting money into his pocket for an apartment that is equally mine so that he can:

- remain in our new apartment
- retain ownership of the old apartment
- retain his position as one of the "styrelseledamot" of our old apartment/housingboard (AND GET PAID FOR IT every year. Its not much, but its still roughly 20-30000 a year).

From a legal standpoint everything seems pretty tricky. But what do I have a right to demand from him in terms of dividing property, etc? Do I have a right to demand that he "buy" me out of the older apartment, despite the fact that he has been the main breadwinner of the relationship for the last couple of years?

As it looks now, yes I would have to take out a loan to remain in the apartment (or to be able to "take it over"). As it looks now, I would barely be able to make the monthly costs and have a bit left over for necessities, food, etc and I'm not too sure that SBAB (where the loan is taken out in both our names) would think highly of that. Is there a possibility for me to have a borgensman when switching the loan over to me? The issue is, the company that I am working for is expanding and has promised to shift me over to a much more higher paid position (full-time, etc) once the building is complete come Feb/March. This means that I have five months to keep afloat until then. In addition, I am suppose to be be inheriting money as well from my mother that passed away sometime ago. Its going to take a month or two to be processed and eventually released to me. Once I start the new position, I'll completely financially stable. My three options would to be:

- Instead of demanding anything from the other apartment, I ask my ex to temporarily remain on the bolån until March, or until I start the new position. That way my child and I would be able to remain here. I have a bit of savings to keep me afloat and if necessary can apply for financial help (Fsk?)

- Apply for a new bolån with the help of a borgensman.. There is a risk of being denied though.

- Or just demand half of our old apartment, half of the new and somewhat start completely new after that. As it looks now in our city, renting is completely impossible as there is a shortage of available apartments until next year. Purchasing would be the only option....

I'm just juggling ideas here and there, and somewhat of an emotional wreck right now...so anyone who can cohesively and calmly point me in the right direction would be great....
Kjell2

Äldre 9 Oct 07:28
#5

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Skaffa proffshjälp, dels för att det ingår en del tillgångar och dels för att ha en juridisk front mot honom.

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